Hot young moms are ruining our parks, our school rankings and our nation’s future

I have it on good authority that a child’s academic and creative achievements are directly related to what their parents wear.

It’s a fact. And it’s simple: A child’s success rate and their parents’ sense of style are exactly inversely proportional. Show me any high school senior with sky-high ACT scores and a dazzling portfolio of creative work, and I’ll show you a parent with sensible shoes, ill-fitting slacks, a sweatshirt that should never be worn outside the garage – but often is – and a do-it-yourself haircut.

Is the mom or dad beaming? Yes. Is the child humiliated? Oh yes. And does that add up to inspired and responsible parenting? EXACTLY YES.

When I say I have this on good authority, I mean my own. I mean the authority vested in me by a father, who, when he came home from work as the school principal to a house full of daughters who were still fighting over who’d borrowed who’s sweater-nail polish-curling iron that morning, he – my father – immediately changed out of his suit and tie and into boxer shorts, a white-ish v-neck t-shirt, a thin blue knee-length bathrobe, and shower thongs. This was his ensemble by 5:30 p.m. every weeknight of my growing-up life. It happened right at the time of day when some young people might call a friend to come over – homework’s mostly done, dinner’s not quite ready, so a person might call up J.J., from down the street, to come play Barbies, or whatever. Except there’s Dad. Like a thrift shop underwear clearance ad spread out on the recliner, feet way up comfy on the footrest, flexing the shower thongs back and forth. Back and forth. Making clear that “comfort” was a family value but “pedicure” was not.

I speak from the power vested in me by the neighbor lady, Sylvia, J.J’s mom, who was cooler than most moms because Sylvia was divorced and Sylvia drove a conversion van with floor-to-ceiling shag carpeting, but she was still a mom, and when she got together with my mom and the rest of the neighbor ladies to help each other out with the yard work, it’s no joke about “it takes a village” because the combined tableau of Sylvia in cutoffs and a homemade halter top, and my mom* in cutoffs and a tank top, and Mrs. Schafer in a swimsuit with a skort attached, all of them weeding the yard together, my yard, the front yard, across the street from a house of boys, who we sometimes hoped would come outside (J.J. and I hoped, often, as we roller-skated up and down and up and down the driveway) but not today. Please, God, not now, not with these women – this village, our mothers – baring their thighs and armpits in the cul-de-sac’s beating, bleaching sun.

Such moments force a young person to dig deep. They push a tender mind to think outside the cul-de-sac.

And as a result, instead of having J.J. over to waste the night playing Barbies or a board game, a girl might retreat to her room and lock the door and cut off the long sleeves of a silky pink nightgown and repurpose them into matching sarongs for Malibu Barbie and Malibu Skipper. And give them short shag haircuts, as well, and pierce their ears with straight pins – the points stuck in at just the right angles so as not to poke through the soft plastic scalps – and voila. The thrill of creation, of creating.

And when J.J. sees those works of art, later, she loves them, and word gets out to the rest of the girls in the neighborhood, and orders are placed, and more nightgowns are sacrificed, more Barbies coutured, and a lifelong love of style and scissors and art and capitalism is born.

Humiliation works like a fixative. Under pleasant circumstances, any child can memorize the state capitols well enough to pass a test. But then it’s gone. It doesn’t stick. Pleasant circumstances are a sieve. Give a child that same task as the only refuge from a church picnic where his particular nuclear family has chosen to wear matching t-shirts with wordplay rhyming the family name with something special for everyone – you know, like, Sean Fee, Fantastic And Free; Diane Fee, Say It With Glee; Scott Fee, The Best You’ll See –

the best you'll see

and by God, that child will feel a strong urge to study for Monday’s quiz. And he will retreat to the safety of the family station wagon, foregoing Frisbee and potato salad and group photos in favor of memorizing Albany-Annapolis-Atlanta-Augusta-Austin. And those cities will never leave his brain because they’re fused with the memory of a very red shirt in a very public park, where there were girls across the way playing tetherball, oh please look, oh no please don’t, please see me here in the station wagon NO PLEASE DON’T Springfield-St. Paul-Tallahassee-Topeka-Trenton.

Fixed. Fused. And ready for recall on every standardized test for the rest of that child’s high-achieving life.

You see, then, why I fear for today’s children when I witness parents in parks and on the streets and in our schools dressed in the style of the day. So contemporary. So coordinated. So completely dismissive of the toxins they’re spilling into the tender eyes of their young.

shandy is the problem

I see well-toned, lightly spray-tanned moms in tasteful maxi-dresses that float behind the strollers they push downtown to the Children’s Museum. I see dads in fitted t-shirts that have not pit stains or ragged collars, but the word “Townie” printed on the front and “56001” on the back, which means not only his shirt stylish, but he bought it at Tune Town which means he supports the local arts scene, and his belly is not bulging but instead is trim and appears to ripple when the wind at the park blows the shirt back against him. And his jeans are not cutoffs, they’re not Sansabelt golf shorts, they’re jeans, they’re just fine, they give a son or daughter nothing to fear. Nothing to cringe about. No need to hide inside a station wagon. Those jeans might, in fact, be something an older child would aspire to wear themselves.

To dress like Dad.

Thirty years ago? Unthinkable. Today? You see the problem.

Cool dads, hot moms, what you’re doing is fine when the children are young and serve mainly as accessories. Like in a cute gray Beatles onesie to match your Townie shirt, or in a little baby aqua sundress that color-blocks against your high-low orange wrap skirt. That’s fine. For now.

But science doesn’t know, yet, exactly when children switch from not-noticing to noticing. And by then it might be too late, and they might have sized you up and thought, my dad looks fantastic today! My mom looks pretty sharp! I think I’d like to be like them, no need to think for myself, no need for angst or art or replacing the bulbs in my room with black-lights to match my soul or yearning or revenge or a master of fine arts degree. No. Because all is well. I’m happy to be part of any family photo with this group, because even if Mom says we’re all wearing matching t-shirts, they’ll probably be awesome clingy shirts from Hollister.

Cool dads, hot moms, you won’t see that moment coming, but it will come, and if you’re not ready, you’ll blow it. No creativity. No achievement. No next generation of visionaries to ensure great poetry and Ph.Ds and winning trivia teams in our nation’s future.

Change is difficult. For now, wear the maxi-dress if you must. But mom it up when you’re with the kids. Get it a little bit wrong. The “retro” piece, the 1970s look, go all out – go all the way with frosty shadow, frosty lips, drop your garbage all over the park as was done back in the day. Force the kids to trail behind you, picking up your empty bottles and your Virginia Slims butts. Teach them environmentalism in a hands-on way no child will never forget.

Insist on wearing a crafty sliced-up 1980s MTV t-shirt? Fine. But bring the craft supplies to the park in a rubber tub. And play Rick Springfield on a boom box. Loud. I don’t know what that might yield, it’s your child, I don’t know what they’re capable of achieving. I just want you to stop holding them back.

As I stand here before you, sharing this crucial truth, my own son who’s seventeen is away at a fancy summer camp studying philosophy and literature. And while he appears to have no time to call home and say hello, his Twitter feed tells us he’s loving every minute of Proust and Nietzsche and Austen. Loving it in the way a seventeen-year-old loves, with just enough obscenity that his parents will read his tweets, but will not re-tweet them. We have no choice but to stand back and beam. We are very proud.

And I know, without a doubt, exactly how it happened.

For I, too, in my day, was a young mom at the park. I too pushed a stroller and later pulled a wagon and later trotted along side a trike up and down Front Street and to Sibley Park and Rasmussen Nature Center and all the hot mom hot spots. Except, I did it right.

rasmussen woods circa 1998

Kid and me circa 1997.

I did it in overalls, Birkenstocks, a hooded sweatshirt atop a baggy t-shirt which may or may not have been slit down the sides for nursing several years prior, which I may or may not have remembered when the walk got warm and I pulled the sweatshirt off.

And I wore a hat.

now this is a hat

Now this is a hat.

Not an ironic trucker hat, not an adorable hand-crocheted silk beret – I mean a worn and misshapen gray baseball hat to cover my un-coiffed hair. A hat that said, I might own a comb, and I might be in public, but foremost, at this moment, I am a mom.

Sure, I dressed appropriately for work, for social time with grownups. And you can, too. But for the children, and all the promise they hold, I ask you to be mindful of what a well-chosen, bad, bad outfit today can achieve tomorrow.

breakfast at fancy camp

This is what I got last week when I asked kid at fancy camp for proof he’s getting fed.

You’ll see for yourself when your child is nearly grown, and he or she is nailing the standardized tests, acing the AP courses, graduating with honors. You will show up at the ceremony wearing the same skort you wore to mow the lawn that morning, and the free t-shirt you got when you ran a 5K a decade ago – perhaps with a sweater vest on top, to class things up – and when your child’s name is called, you will clap at slightly the wrong time. You will cheer a bit too loud. You will stand tall in your vest, in your skort. And you’ll say to the world, to your community, and to your flinching child:

You are so, SO welcome.

as it should be

Yes.

cropped-mystic-golden-hanger.png

Many thanks to Elaine Hardwick for inviting me to share this piece at the inaugural Picnic in the Park show July 23, 2013. Actually she asked for a poem. So then I went to a park, to get inspired to write a poem, and I saw a bunch of supercute moms. Impeccably dressed moms. Hotly coiffed moms. And I just thought, you know, this has got to stop.

*DISCLAIMER: If my mom actually ever wore cutoffs and a tank top to do yard work in the 1970s, she looked fantastic. She still does.

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17 comments on “Hot young moms are ruining our parks, our school rankings and our nation’s future

  1. Terrific article.
    My shoulder padded 80s dresses for nights out and leg warmers with my one-piece swimsuit (oh so Jane Fonda) for exercising did the trick. Who knows what I denied them by giving up my VERY fringed leather jacket?

  2. Louise Brown says:

    Yes, I DID wear cut offs, and tank tops. Probably got them at yard sales. Clothes were not nearly as important as good children’s books, Memory game, Go Fish cards, construction paper, glue and scissors, a pot holder weaving loom, cross stitch and embroidery floss…the things that bring out creativity and teach your children that learning new things is a reward in itself! I raised three geniuses without one designer wardrobe item, and I’m proud of each of them!
    Love, mom

  3. Amy Kortuem says:

    “Rick Springfield on a boom box.” How long would it take for me to get my child-free self arrested at the park if I brought my boom box and wore my gardening clothes?

  4. rachaelhanel says:

    Ah, good memories of my dad in his knee-high baseball socks and shorts and tennis shoes 🙂

  5. Mel says:

    Ummmmmm, I was a successful student and am now a successful, productive adult member of society with children of my own NOT because of the way my parents dressed, but because my parents were (and are) parents, as opposed to being my BFFs, and had actual expectations of me. The idea is not to embarrass your children so thoroughly that they refuse to leave the house in your company and instead lock themselves in their rooms to study, but to help them feel pride in a job well done and in a good grade that they earned through hard work. Yes, my parents did dress embarrassingly at times, but I didn’t notice because we weren’t raised to care about such ridiculous things as a person’s outward appearance. To knock a “hot mom” because she enjoys the feel of a shower each day and a cute outfit is just mean. A “hot mom” is not necessarily a bad mom. Maybe that “hot mom” finally got some time to take care of herself and felt like putting on a cute dress in celebration. She is not ruining her children, anyone else’s children, the school systems or anything else by taking care of herself. A “hot mom” can be equally as focused on her children and their enrichment as their more unkempt counterparts. ALL moms are beautiful. I’m sure that this was written tongue-in-cheek. I’m sure you believe that I’m a “hot mom”. I assure you I am not. What I wear doesn’t matter to anyone else, except to you, apparently. I’m sure you think I’ve missed your point….

  6. I personally like it an it enhances the environment as well..Women are beautiful just like the beautiful flowers round the parks.. Micahel 🙂

  7. Rachael Hanel gets credit for leading me to find your witty and totally scientifically accurate observation. Lovely.

    When I was growing up in the mid-70’s, NO-body’s mom was hot, until a new girl moved into town and her mom looked like a cross between Marlo Thomas (That Girl) and Ann-Margaret (Pinball Wizard). The girl was obviously doomed, having a mom who looked like a movie-star. People talked. Her mom actually wore a bikini at the public pool, and looked good in it.

    I have it on good authority, the poor child grew up to be a compassionate nurse who has been successfully married to her first spouse for going on forever.

  8. Margie Newman says:

    Really good writing! I remember Maxine, the stylish divorcee on our block when I was growing up. I both envied and felt sorry for my friend Jayne, her daughter.

    I was involved in a custody dispute years ago, and was advised to dress “not sexy!”

  9. K-Rod says:

    Love this! Great account of the past. My “vote for Pedro” is out…I’m ordering a “Scott Fee the best you’ll see” today;)

  10. I am a Mom, a personal trainer, an author, and an artist.

    My son has been dressing himself since age 2 and we only enforce a dress code a few times a year. As a trainer I wear comfortable “mom” clothes to work, 6 days a week. The rest of the time I like to express myself with an artistic flair when it comes to clothing; I shop at second hand stores for my hip and contemporary style.

    At age 40 I rock a bikini at the beach, and a Mohawk on a daily basis–my version of self-expression. I love the saying: “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” That’s one of the best lessons my hip, hippie, and occasionally embarrassing parents taught me at an early age. It applies to both worn and torn covers, and patent leather ones–because the cover is meant to tell a little bit of the tale within.

    I really hope the tone of this piece was meant to inspire thought and spur conversation, because if it’s solely based on “my way is the only way,” then it’s not worth the paper it’s printed on.

  11. Thinking mom says:

    Another good lesson is irony.

  12. David Navarre says:

    You don’t realize that those kids are STILL embarrassed by their ‘hot mom’ and their really fit Dad. It’s not how they look, it’s that they’re PARENTS. Whether they turn out right depends on effort, not whether their Mom looks sexy or not. Chances are that someone who spends all their time on themselves will not be a good parent, but you sound like you’re a little too concerned about those ‘hot’ parents. I’m betting your parents never paid much attention to that and you shouldn’t either. If their children turn out worthless, those parents will suffer for it anyway.

  13. Liz Hageman says:

    Took me way back- I did that to my Barbies! Forgot how you had to angle the pins so they didn’t prick you coming out the other side of the head! Wonderful writing! I’ve always steered clear of matching my outfit to my shoes or wearing a matching mother daughter dresses!!! Oh how wonderful a gift my mom gave me!

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