Last night my partner of 32 years and I tried pulling each other off the couch using just one hand. I started it. I did not announce the game because I didn’t know what was happening until it was well underway. I just reached out my hand and he reached out his and I’m like “no go like this,” making a c-clamp shape, and then I locked on and pulled. He pulled back and I fell off the couch. He’s like “that’s your strong hand and this is my weak hand” and I’m like “no it’s not,” and I looked down and declared “this is my LEFT hand,” and he said “no it’s not,” and goddammit he was right. We tried it with the other set of hands and he won again. We have a child together, we’ve shared vows and toothbrushes and mortgages, we’ve hurled obscenities at each other for crimes such as breathing too loud, we have loved each other well and let each other down. But not until now have we had occasion to treat each other like siblings on a too-long car trip.
Fortunately both our jobs are do-able from home, so we have unlimited time and mental bandwidth for this new modus operandi. Next up my sleeve is “stop hitting yourself,” as I grab his wrist and smack his face with his own hand. Obviously BONUS if I can do it while he’s in a very professional virtual meeting.
Also on my bucket list is “I’m not touching you,” as I hold a finger near but not touching his face. Actually that’s the better one for during a virtual meeting, because then he’ll have someone to complain to that I’m touching him, which, clearly, I am NOT.
The Lovers say, hey wait, our vows said nothing about this. But then they’re like, oh waaaait, perhaps this is why all the old people were holding hands and also choking up at the wedding? Perhaps the vows said everything there is to say, about a time like this.