The Magician says stop freaking out because you have what you need.
I used my equipment twice. First time was for the usual, to grow a human. Second time was right after Scott and I decided not to have any more kids, because we were good with one, as weird as that seemed because up to that point we’d talked about having four. We had an actual chart about it. I’d made it while we were engaged, showing approximate birth dates and anticipated personalities. Anyway. Right after that conversation, I mean right after we decided we were good with just one kid, turns out I was pregnant. That’s a quandary because you can’t have the thing in there feeling unwanted. So you try to train your brain on the idea that this is great, this is meant to be, like you really have to believe it otherwise surely some kind of toxins start spurting around and chances are it’s brain development day and there you are germinating something not-good.
I got my heart and womb and cells all fixed on how good this was, and then there was this bolt of weird blinding pain, weird as in for a few hours it was the only thing happening like some kind of abduction. I say this because when the pain hit we were in the lobby of a restaurant, and a few months later we were back in that same restaurant and I was like oh, wow, it’s remodeled, and Scott was like, it was remodeled when we were here last time, don’t you remember, we talked about it. And I didn’t remember at all, like not at all, which is what proves I was not just in pain but abducted by the pain. Turns out the feeling was a would-be embryo corkscrewing its way into a fallopian tube, and a few days later I’m in laparoscopic surgery, and no longer pregnant. I don’t remember what the nurses said exactly but they made me feel just fine about the relief. Like maybe I wasn’t the first human in history to be relieved about a thing like this. Maybe they’d seen weirder things. This felt great, and like I was in on something, and like I needed that knowledge way more than we needed another kid. It was outpatient surgery and I walked away feeling fine.
The Magician says, you have what you need. And, whatever it is you don’t have, you actually don’t need. Take stock of your toolkit and know that the magic comes from using and appreciating everything in there, using it to its fullest.
Note to Abby: I shot these photos on one of the first nice spring days. It was before my procedure so I figured my time with the comfortable ability to bend over was limited, and so I couldn’t be picky, I just had to use whatever was in my yard. You can say the string-on-line is cliche or whatever but you would not say that if you were walking around in the yard savoring the ability to bend over and just pick things up. Know what you wrote on that day, Abby? You jotted in your journal that you’d collected all your 1099s. Good job.